The Top Reasons You Didn't Watch the "Emmy Awards"

This Year's Emmy Winners

September 18, 2017

© Dana Rothstein | Dreamstime

The Top Reasons You Didn't Watch the "Emmy Awards"

"The 69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" aired last night on CBS.  But you really couldn't care less.  Here are The Top Reasons You Didn't Watch the "Emmy Awards".

You had to watch the new Seth MacFarlane sci-fi comedy series "The Orville".  Just kidding . . . nobody's watching that garbage!

Stephen Colbert was hosting and you're allergic to smirk.

You're under the age of 65, so you had no idea how to find CBS.

You sold your TV, and everything else you own for a down payment on an iPhone X.

You went to see "Mother!" on Friday and your brain is still scrambled.

You're an aide to President Trump so you were busy listening to Elton John songs in order to find new names to call Kim Jong-Un.

You were afraid it would be too politically slanted . . . so you watched a rerun of "Hannity" instead.

You hate yourself, so the only thing you watch on CBS is "Kevin Can Wait".

They had given out the award for Outstanding Sound Editing a week earlier, and that's all you watch for.

You're a millennial and you won't watch other people get trophies if you're not getting one.

You were afraid Ariel Winter's boobs would actually break through your screen.

You're President Trump and there's no nomination for a show called "Orange-ish".

You spent the night in the hospital with alcohol poisoning because you played a drinking game while reading Hillary Clinton's book where you took a shot every time she blamed someone else for her election loss.

That golden woman with lightning wings reminds you of your last bad acid trip.

And miss one second of "Steve Harvey's Funderdome"?  No thanks!

You're Ted Cruz and there's this thing called "porn."

Stephen Colbert gives your grandfather an ulcer.

This Year's Emmy Winners

Here are all the Emmy winners you care about . . .

Best Drama Series:  "The Handmaid's Tale"  (Hulu)

Best Actor (Drama Series):  Sterling K. Brown, "This Is Us"  (NBC)

Best Actress (Drama Series):  Elisabeth Moss, "The Handmaid's Tale"  (Hulu)

Best Supporting Actor (Drama Series):  John Lithgow, "The Crown"  (Netflix)

Best Supporting Actress (Drama Series):  Ann Dowd, "The Handmaid's Tale"  (Hulu)

Best Comedy Series:  "Veep"  (HBO)

Best Actor (Comedy Series):  Donald Glover, "Atlanta"  (FX)

Best Actress (Comedy Series):  Julia Louis-Dreyfus, "Veep"  (HBO)

Best Supporting Actor (Comedy Series):  Alec Baldwin, "SNL"  (NBC)

Best Supporting Actress (Comedy Series):  Kate McKinnon,  "SNL"  (NBC)

Best Limited Series:  "Big Little Lies"  (HBO)

Best Actor (Limited Series):  Riz Ahmed, "The Night Of"  (HBO)

Best Actress (Limited Series):  Nicole Kidman, "Big Little Lies"  (HBO)

Best Supporting Actor (Limited Series):  Alexander Skarsgard, "Big Little Lies"  (HBO)

Best Supporting Actress (Limited Series):  Laura Dern, "Big Little Lies"  (HBO)

Best TV Movie:  "Black Mirror: San Junipero"  (Netflix) 

Best Reality Host:  RuPaul Charles,"RuPaul's Drag Race"  (VH1)

Best Structured Reality Program:  "Shark Tank"  (ABC)

Best Unstructured Reality Program:  "United Shades of America With W. Kamau Bell"  (CNN)

Best Reality-Competition Program:  "The Voice"  (NBC)

Best Variety Sketch Series:  "Saturday Night Live"  (NBC)

Best Variety Talk Series:  "Last Week Tonight with John Oliver"  (HBO)

Best Variety Special:  "The Late Late Show Carpool Karaoke Prime Time Special"  (CBS)

Speaking of "SNL", last week Melissa McCarthy and Dave Chappelle got the 'Best Guest Actress' and 'Best Guest Actor in a Comedy Series' Emmys for their appearances on the show last season. 



(There's a complete list of the winners and nominees at